Blue Christmas

Eds Note: This is the first essay from our newest contributor, Tim. He reminds us that not everyone wants or needs or can even have a festive holiday season.

It’s that time of the year again.

The time to for people to enjoy themselves with their family and friends, he endless “sales” at the stores, the inane Christmas carols dripping with sugar and spice, the festive holiday decorations put up by the cities and citizens everywhere. All of the smiles with children visiting Santa and asking for what they may not receive, the lights that make your neighborhood festive and bright, the food, the songs, the entirety of it all.

What about the numerous people like me? The intensely depressed, the seasonal lonely, the forlorn? Sure, we get the invitations to go over and celebrate the holidays with others, never fitting in fully, not enjoying
ourselves because we are the third wheel on the motorcycle, the pariah of the family that you have … if you have one. How many of you feel the same as I do?

Let me be specific… I will open up my soul to all of you as never before, for I am a loner. Why? I’m not really sure. That is my albatross I guess.

I have no immediate family left, they are all deceased or living in a different country. The sharing of good feelings, the beautifully decked Christmas tree, the give and take of the presents, the family Christmas
dinner with all the trimmings, Dad getting drunk and belittling everything in his path, Mom crying and telling all that can hear that this will the “last time”, mean nothing to me anymore. It was dysfunctional but it was at least something. I even long for those times during the season however they are to be never more… I opted to turn my back on it all years ago.

I purchase no gifts for others and expect and hope they don’t get me anything. First of all, I cannot afford to do so and secondly these gifts are basically meaningless. What I need and want I can supply myself. Thanks
but no thanks please.

Through my own doing, I do not have a significant other. I choose, in my own twisted rationale, to stay alone and turn away anyone that wants to climb into my apathetic little world. The well intentioned friends that I have garnered over the last 10 years in Wausau take the time for me to inquire if I would care to enjoy myself during the celebration in their homes. I decline mostly. They have their own families and it is an unhealthy reminder of what I do not have, so I push away at every instance. I’d rather not take the chance of bringing them down with my feelings towards Christmas so I give them a sorry ass excuse and spend the day watching television and filling my heart with more self dread. My actions feed my loneliness even further. I do not care for anyone to feel sorry for me, I am not a charity case or a nut job … I am…..me.

I also am not a religious person however, I am spiritual in a sense. I believe in God and Jesus and the Scriptures but do not think that you necessarily need to attend church to show this. It is the birth of Jesus, well, Happy Birthday!

I am considered a non-caring and self centered person by many that truly know me. I am fine with that for they are correct. The old saying that you cannot teach an old dog new tricks applies to my mindset. I will pass as I have lived. Alone and not remembered. This is the lot I have cast myself into, it is only my fault and although a change of heart could dissuade me from my own prison of self destruction, it is doubtful. I dissociate myself from the finer things in life, it is all I have come to know.

The New Year brings a bit of hope to me, that I can overcome myself and live as others do.

I am sure that there are many that feel the same as I do but with other circumstances. Fear not, there may be a glimmer of hope for us all. You just have to ask yourself the question as I have… Do we have it within us to
open ourselves and hearts….to alter our thoughts towards life during the Christmas season? I will try with caution, but I will try.