You Don’t Need a Weatherman

“To know which way the wind blows,” sang Bob Dylan. You also don’t need a weather person to estimate how hard the wind blows, thanks to the Beaufort Scale. But this weekend we a really concerned how COLD it is, we are going to be in the deep freeze, that is for sure. So, wouldn’t it be nice, I hear you asking, if there was a way to estimate the temperature just by observing what is happening? Well, I am glad you asked me that.

Here is a temperature estimation tool that has been around the internet since the late 80s. Anyone else out there ever run Lynx under DOS? Oh, sit down — you weren’t even BORN then! Anyway, here is a handy little temperature scale, just for us in Wisconsin.

  • +50F / +10C
    • New York tenants turn on the heat
    • Wisconsinites plant gardens
  • +40F / +4C
    • Californians shiver uncontrollably
    • Wisconsinites sunbathe
  • +35F / +2C
    • Italian cars don’t start
  • +32F / 0C
    • Distilled water freezes
  • +30F / -1C
    • You can see your breath
    • You plan a vacation in Florida
    • Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
    • Wisconsinites eat ice cream
  • +25F / -4C
    • Boston water freezes
    • Californians weep pitiably
    • Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
  • +20F / -7C
    • Cleveland water freezes
    • San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
    • Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
  • +15F / -10C
    • You plan a vacation in Acapulco
    • Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
    • Wisconsinites go swimming
  • +10F / -12C
    • Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
    • Too cold to snow
    • You need jumper cables to get the car going
  • 0F / -18C
    • New York landlords turn on the heat
    • Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yum!
  • -5 F/ -21C
    • You can hear your breath
    • You plan a vacation in Hawaii
  • -10F / -23C
    • American cars don’t start
    • Too cold to skate
  • -15 F/ -26C
    • You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
    • Miamians cease to exist
    • Wisconsinites lick flagpoles
  • -20F / -29C
    • Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
    • Politicians actually do something about the homeless
    • People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens
  • -25F / -32C
    • Too cold to kiss
    • You need jumper cables to get the driver going
    • Japanese cars don’t start
    • Milwaukee Brewers head for spring training
  • -30F / -34C
    • You plan a two-week hot bath
    • Pilsener freezes
    • Bock beer production begins
    • Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof
  • -38F / -39C
    • Mercury freezes
    • Too cold to think
    • Wisconsinites button top button
  • -40F / -40C
    • Californians disappear
    • Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
    • Wisconsinites put on sweaters
  • -50F / -46C
    • Congressional hot air freezes
    • Alaskans close the bathroom window
    • Green Bay Packers practice indoors
  • -60F / -51C
    • Walruses abandon Aleutians
    • Sign on Mount St. Helens: “Closed for the Season”
    • Wisconsinites put gloves away, take out mittens
    • Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
  • -70F / -57C
    • Glaciers in Central Park
    • Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
    • Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie
  • -80F / -62C
    • Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
    • Rhinelander Birkebeiner
    • Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
  • -90F / -68C
    • Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
    • Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
    • Minnesotans migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer
  • -100F / -73C
    • Santa Claus abandons North Pole
    • Wisconsinites pull down earflaps
  • -173F / -114C
    • Ethyl alcohol freezes
    • Only Door County cherries usable in brandy Manhattans
  • -297F / -183C
    • Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
    • Microbial life survives only on dairy products
  • 445F / -265C
    • Superconductivity
  • -452F / -269C
    • Helium becomes a liquid
  • -454F / -270C
    • Hell freezes over
  • -456F / -271C
    • Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90
  • -458F / -272C
    • Incumbent politicians renounce campaign contributions
  • -460F / -273C (Absolute Zero)
    • All atomic motion ceases
    • Wisconsinites allow as to how it’s getting a mite nippy

Be careful this weekend, it’s going to be cold!


5 responses to “You Don’t Need a Weatherman

  1. Cold weather’s not going to keep me from my ice cream! But I think something’s wrong with me. Last year, I wore shorts throughout winter, but this year I’ve finally moved onto jeans. Am I becoming less…Wisconsiny?

  2. Best weather comment I’ve heard in the last two days: “Well, the mosquitoes aren’t bad.”

    (To the mosquitoes: “Bite me!”) 🙂

  3. Stop it Jim! I fell off the chair laughing!

  4. Coming back from a cold day of volunteering at the Badger State Games, I noticed a line of 4 people waiting outside the Dairy Queen on Thomas St. According to my thermometer, it was -3 outside. I guess no ice cream knows no temperature limits.

  5. Great blog, good job getting it all together 🙂

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